Wednesday, March 21, 2007


"You see, hope is cumulative. A little here, a little there, until it becomes something toxic. Denial."
- Jeffrey Ruddell Under the Influence, as heard on

I often feel like I have toxic hope. At what point did hope stop being something soothing, encouraging, uplifting, even inspiring? When did my hope turn into this toxic thing that I see before me? At what point does hope become denial? How do you know when to stop hoping, when to give up? How can hope be like a drug? The high is good, but the damage it does is incomparable. I feel like I have hope scars on my spirit. Hope bruises in my brain. Denials damage has been done, and I am standing here, trying to learn the lesson, trying to move on, trying to figure out how to walk through my life. I am working at treading water, keeping myself afloat. I am trying not to feel like my blessings are all tongue-in-cheek, trying not to wonder if the joke is on me. I am failing. I am so tired of trying, I wonder if I can just give it up. Can I kick the habit? Can I be happy without it? It is possible for me to live the rest of my life hope-less?

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